Not Good

So here we are at the first of July 2010. The last report I said that MaeLynn was doing pretty good. Last weekend MaeLynn got to go to a cousin's wedding reception and a family reunion in Salt Lake/Draper. She wasn't real up to it....but she really wanted to do it. So she did. It was a lot of fun to visit with relatives she hadn't seen for quite a while, and she was really glad she went.

Monday, however, she felt extreme anxiety about returning home, and started going downhill. She took an Atavan to help with the anxiety...which helped. But, she usually goes into what I call "zombie mode" when she takes Atavan. She wants to sleep all day and when she's awake, she seems like she's stoned. I called her Wednesday to chat, and it was a very loopy conversation. Later, talking to Andy, he told me that, Yes she had taken an Atavan on Monday, but that its effects usually only last 5-6 hours after she takes one. This loopiness had been going on all week. She also has had an extreme dip in appetite and hasn't eaten hardly anything or been awake all week.

I was finally able to visit them today and things look pretty grim. When I first got there, MaeLynn needed to go to the bathroom, but Andy had to lift her out of bed. She is so weak and shaky. She can walk to where she needs to go, but getting up is really a chore.

This afternoon an oxygen machine (or whatever the technical term is) came. The hospice nurse thought it might perk MaeLynn up, since she's been so tired. MaeLynn's oxygen levels are really low. I was there for two hours after they put her on oxygen today and her perkiness did not change at all.

MaeLynn has also been saying some really crazy, random things. Like, "Triston (one of her four-year-olds) just needs to beat that boy up." Andy asked, "Which boy?" "That boy in the picture right there." Andy's thinking, "Okaaaaay? There's no picture." The hospice nurse told us today that as her liver quits functioning, the toxins are building up in MaeLynn's body and making her see/say/think crazy things. It's frustrating to see, but I must admit--morbidly funny.

She also is having a really hard time speaking and comprehending anything. She'll get the first two words of a sentence out, and then just zone out...or fall asleep. She tried reading a paper I brought to her today and couldn't concentrate long enough to read anything.

Her hospice nurse says she's really seen a change in the last two days. Her coloring is getting worse. Her vitals are going downhill. She said that MaeLynn is definitely beginning the transition into death. The veil is getting thin. Who knows how much longer she's got here with us.

MaeLynn seems very calm, albeit, not with-it. She received a beautiful blessing while I was there this afternoon, and things are just in the Lord's hands now. The hospice nurse told me that everything is up to Andrew now. MaeLynn does not need to worry about housework or helping with the kids. Just be.

It is so hard. So hard. The kids seem to be doing okay, but I know they can tell things are not right. While I was there, they would keep coming in from playing outside and just watch MaeLynn.

Andy and MaeLynn appreciate all the help that has been given, and I'm sure will be given in the future. If you're wondering how in the world you can help, one of the only things that sounds good to MaeLynn to eat is Jamba Juice. So anyone who wants to drop one by, she likes peach, pomegranate, strawberry....or she says, "pretty much anything." She really has no desire to eat, but feels like she has cotton-mouth all the time...so smoothies help a little.

I'm sure Andy would appreciate offers on taking the kids for an hour or two each day as the transition continues. He also appreciates meals brought in, but remember the kids are small and very particular....so not huge amounts of food.

I can't remember if I've used this scripture before, but it's really with me tonight--D&C 122:7:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

And also the words of this song:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.