Hello all! This is MaeLynn. I thought that maybe it's time I say something on here. First, I'm so grateful to Laura for having the ambition to create a blog for me in the first place. Those of you who know me well know that I'm a tech/electronics/computer idiot. Actually, I just don't care about tech/electronics/computers. There are just so many other things I'd rather spend my time on--or have to spend my time on. I just get way too frustrated long before I learn how to do anything. I just want to get things done and don't enjoy trying to figure things (like posting pictures or creating a blog) out on my own. My kids are screwed because Andrew doesn't care about it either. Anywho, thank you Laura!
I feel bad that there are still people who don't know that I have terminal cancer. It's not an easy thing to just slip into conversation. I told many close friends and family on the phone. It's easier than face to face because often the person I am talking to will not respond (for an uncomfortable amount of time) or will burst into tears. I have found myself saying sorry--sorry to be the deliverer of bad news! I debated for two months before finally putting a note on my face book page about this blog. Finding out through the computer seems so cold and impersonal. Plus, I don't want to say, "Look at me, look at me, feel bad for me." That's not what I am trying to do. It's just that in the middle of the night I still think of people I haven't told. I'd like that to stop.
So, the update is that nothing has changed. I feel fine. Of course, I get tired easier, but that is my biggest complaint. I take a nap every afternoon when the twins and Abby do, and Andrew basically takes over every night when he gets home from work. I have been extremely blessed. The doctor gave me some digestive enzyme pills that I take every time I eat, and that has actually eliminated the pain that caused me to go to the doctor in the first place. The tumors in my liver and pancreas are secreting a hormone called Chromogranin A. The doctors don't even really know what Chromogranin A does (because people only have about 50 parts per million), but apparently large doses cause hot flashes. Some days are worse than others. I don't know why. I have an appointment with my internist on Aug. 25th. I am sure we will do blood work then and see where we are. I don't have any future appointments with the oncologist scheduled. He was fabulous, but may not understand why a 29-year-old has chosen not to pursue treatment.
I just have to say that I can testify that our Lord works in mysterious ways. So many good things have come from my diagnosis. Sounds crazy, I know. I'd like to share a few of them. Being terminally ill has caused me to:
* have conversations with loved ones that I had been avoiding for years
* develop a better relationship with my Savior and be more faithful in doing things I have always felt were important
* be more forgiving and accepting of Andrew's weaknesses
* be more patient with the kids. They really are sweet. The naughty things they do usually stem from curiousity.
* re-evaluate my priorities. A clean house is really not important.
It has also:
* served (as bad things usually do) as a reminder to other people that life is fragile. We all act like we have tons of tomorrows, we really don't.
* caused people to serve. Sometimes it's hard to be the recipient of service, but for me it's been fabulous! I love having people around me. Perhaps the people who are serving need an opportunity or motivator to serve more than I need my laundry done. It's silly that we don't just serve each other because we want to. Why do people have to "need" service before we do anything to help? Anyway, four months ago I was struggling with the fact that I felt alone on a daily basis. I was overwhelmed with my responsibilities, and continually thought, "How is it possible that I live on a planet with six plus billion people and feel so abandoned?" Well, strange thing happened---I got cancer and now there are people around me all the time!
I have learned so many things in the last two months. I am excited to see what else I learn along the way. Love you all, MaeLynn